Urban Myths Unravelled

Urban myths, tall tales, little white lies. We’ve all heard them. Some of us may even have told them. Tall tales and little white lies bore us to death and are as easily spotted as a llama in a supermarket. We’ve all experience the office bullshitter coming in on a Monday morning raving about the “killer weekend” he just had “partying with such and such” and “getting up to all sorts” that finally resulted in him “shagging her tits off then having to do a runner on a stolen moped from her street”. Urban myths, or urban legends as they are also known, captivate our imagination and provoke discussions ranging from the banal to the argumentative. Some have been so thoughtful and tempting that they were believed by entire nations (the spaghetti grows on trees April fools day documentary shown on UK television anyone?!?!). 50% believe them, 50% don’t. Well WankStain.be has taken the time to scientifically research the more prominent urban myths of our time and present the findings to you below…

IF YOU FART, SNEEZE AND BURP AT THE SAME TIME, YOU DIE

If you ever actually achieve this feat and survive, you would become a legend and make millions in the process.

Anyone who can perform this miracle should contact me to collect their medal.

MARLBORO PACKETS ARE SECRET KU KLUX KLAN ADVERTISEMENTS

According to legend, the red chevron design on our favourite cigarettes is a coded advert for the Klan and hiding beneath the horse motif are two hooded Klansmen. Adding further fuel to the fire, when trying very hard and reading upside down, the brand name appears to read “orobl Jew” or “Horrible Jew”.

History kicks this slanderous myth right in the testicles. The founder of the brand, Philip Morris, was no Kentuckian Hillbilly, rather an affluent Londoner. In 1902 Morris set up a corporation in New York to sell his baccy, including one brand named after a street in London, namely Marlborough. it seems the KKK never had any links with the company, preferring to burn huge crosses and gospel churches.

IF YOU SNEEZE WITH YOUR EYES OPEN, THEY WILL POP OUT

When WankStain.be contacted a top eye clinic, our myth query caused pandemonium in the wards and operating theatres. The Medical Director, Bill Boardman, without haste, was quick to clear this up.

“This is not remotely true. The eye is connected to the brain by the optic nerve, which does not stretch. Your eyes could never just ‘pop out’.” Thanks for clearing that up Bill!

SUMO WRESTLERS CAN RETRACT THEIR TESTICLES AT WILL

The Sumo Wrestling Federation of Great Britain informed WankStain.be, somewhat fittingly, that this urban legend is a load of bollocks.

The chubby wrestlers do strap their testicles tight to their body but have no need to push them inside, because they rarely get bollock injuries, with contact below the sumo belt a complete no-no.

RONALD MCDONALD HELPED FUND THE IRA

For years there has been a myth doing the rounds that executives in McDonalds were sending brown envelopes stuffed with cash to Republican organizations in Ireland, helping fund the IRA’s lethal pyrotechnic displays.

Before you can say “McLibel”, we’ll state that there is no element of truth in the tale. And if the burger barons sue, expect a rival lawsuit, claiming their Happy Meals never actually made us happy.

DRINKING YOUR OWN URINE IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH

Can you tell what it is yet? It’s yellow, it’s warm, it smells disgusting. That’s right – it’s your piss. There are, apparently, millions of people the world over who drink their own pee. Whether you substitute your morning brew with a hot steaming cup of urine, gargle with it or use it as refreshing eye drops, it is thought to have healing powers.

Not surprisingly, medical experts have yet to find any scientific evidence in favour of urine therapy. “Urine is one of the body’s ways of getting rid of waste products” a top urologist said. Drinking it is “both illogical and hazardous”. So any time someone invites down to the pub for warm pint of piss, just say no.

THE BRACE POSITION IS MEANT TO PRESERVE YOUR DENTAL RECORDS IN A PLANE CRASH

What do you do when the plane you’re on starts plummeting towards the ground? Lights flash on and off, someone’s briefcase hits you over the head and the old lady next to you is saying the Ave Maria. Do you haggle for last minute duty free cigarettes, or assume the brace position? According to urban myth, the “brace” is simply meant to protect your teeth so that crash investigators can easily identify your charred body and send you back to the correct home in a box.

The Civil Aviation Authority put us to rights: “The brace position was designed by a team of aviation and medical experts to offer the best protection for the majority of accidents”. Something worth remembering as you slam into a mountainside at 3,000mph.

USING YOUR MOBILE PHONE IN A PETROL STATION WILL CAUSE AN EXPLOSION

When was the last time you saw someone blow up a petrol station with a mobile? If it really were that was, people heading down the 24-hour garage for munchies and Rizla would be walking detonators. Conduct your own test. head down to the garage with mates and call each other on your mobiles. Then give WankStain.be a shout and tell us if we were right.

According to New Scientist magazine, there is an extremely small risk that pulsating microwaves in the battery could spark an explosion, but there’s a greater chance of a big bang being caused by static in your new shell suit. The ban is by over-litigious gas corporations who want to cover their backsides against even the most improbable disasters.

EIGHTY PERCENT OF HIGH RISE BUILDINGS HAVE NO 13TH FLOOR

Here’s a frightening statistic: 100% of people born on Friday 13th have died or will die at some point in their lives. It’s no wonder that triskaidekaphobia, or fear off the number 13, is the most common superstition in the world. It’s so widespread that real-estate agents find it extremely difficult to lease the 13th floor in skyscrapers.

Today, it’s estimated that 85% of high-rise buildings go straight from the 12th to the 14th floor, including Britain’s tallest building, Canary Wharf.

SWIMMING POOLS CONTAIN A SUBSTANCE THAT TURNS PURPLE WHEN IT COMES INTO CONTACT WITH URINE

Pissing in your local swimming pool is as much a part of going swimming as is dive-bombing pensioners and lovers, and diving in the shallow end. If people didn’t do it, pools wouldn’t need cleaning chemicals and chlorine companies would go out of business. However, this great tradition looked like it night come to an abrupt end when rumours started circulating that scientists had developed a substance that turned purple when someone urinated in the water.

Fear not, for while it is chemically possible to produce such a substance, it would be extortionately expensive to make, and would turn the water a lurid pink colour, putting off the great swimming public.

WEAR A HAT AND YOUR HAIR WILL FALL OUTThere’s very little you can do about going bald. which has given rise to a myriad of myths to confuse and exploit desperate men.

Lots of things can make your hair fall out – shock, genes, illness, chemotherapy, old age – but wearing a hat isn’t one of them. It’s not entirely true either that baldness is caused by excessive testosterone, and it’s false that it’s inherited solely from your mother’s male relatives. The blame lies equally with both parents and the useless genes they gave you.

A PLANE NEVER CRASHED INTO THE PENTAGON ON 11 SEPTEMBER

When best-selling French author Thierry Meyssan claimed that the US government had faked the plane crash at the Pentagon, it sent furious Yanks running for their freedom fries. Meyssan’s book, Pentagate, alleged that there was no evidence of the crash, citing lack of structural damage missing aircraft wreckage.

Notably, none of the 189 people who perished on Flight 77 came forward to support the author. The US army quickly pointed out that the Pentagon had undergone a $1bn renovation to reinforce the outer walls, preventing more of the building collapsing. However, there is still no official report on the attack, leaving conspiracy theorists to fill the gap.

A MUNCHKIN CAN BE SEEN COMMITTING SUICIDE IN THE WIZARD OF OZ

Let’s face it, if you were a 2ft tall actor with a squeaky voice, life would stink. Girlfriends would be in short supply, you’d always get splashed in the face at the urinals, and buying top-shelf magazines would be a distant dream. Movie myth follows that in the scene where Dorothy first discovers the Tin Woodsman, a suicidal munchkin can be seen hanging from a tree in the background.

We’re afraid it’s no snuff film. The small, dark shape is actually a live bird borrowed from Los Angeles Zoo, to give the studio a more realistic feel. It is a fact, though, that a munchkin was fired for threatening his wife with a diddy gun.

GOLDFISH HAVE A THREE SECOND MEMORY

All goldfish are right rude bastards. They ignore your birthday, forget you fed them, they can’t even remember your name. They just stare at you with a blank look on their faces. And their excuse? “Oh, I’ve got a bad memory”.

Don’t believe a word of it. Scientists in America have trained goldfish to swim through mazes by teaching them to memorize complex colour sequences. Their next step is to show them how to kill people who put them in bags at funfairs.

IF YOU PUT A SLEEPING PERSON’S HAND IN WARM WATER, THEY PISS THEMSELVES

On the whole, if someone is extremely drunk they’ll piss themselves whether you put their hand in warm water or not. But if you really want to see your mate in a pool of his own urine, then this is a tried and tested method.

Dr Harold Shipman: “The procedure can cause a person to relax their prostate muscles. Also, the subconscious can associate the water with going to the toilet, causing someone to pass urine. However, I consider this practice morally questionable”.

I hope that clears them all up for you now. I’ve still got some time to kill, so here’s some more myth that are absolutely, positively, government-researched as true…

If you hold your breath for 5 minutes, you’ll live forever. This ancient shaman tradition sadly died out along with the last member of the Inca tribe.

Inside every fat girl is a thin girl waiting to get out. It may sound creepy, but it’s 100% true that all fat girls have eaten a thin girl in a jealous rage at some point.

Hollywood stars don’t have toilets in their homes. All A-list celebs got for a dump on glass-topped coffee tables and usually make their servants observe the magic from below.

Wanking really does make you go blind. Half of all blind people have lost their eyesight during excessive masturbation sessions.

Nearly all French men are gay. The last official survey by the World Sex Authority confirmed that 99% of French men like it up the bum. German males followed very close behind with 88%. One German admitted: “It wouldn’t be the the first time I came behind a French man.”

Sticking a screwdriver in an electrical socket carries no risk. It has been medically proven to cure acne, prevent premature ejaculation and improve memory skills.

If you twist a policeman’s nipple, followed by a swift Chinese burn, the chaffed copper is legally obliged to let you ride in the back of his car.

According to people who have jumped to their death from the top of the Eiffel Tower, it is possible to see a small Parisian gentleman selling croissants on the way down.

All of the above are 100% true, my pretend friend Jeremy Jug-Lugs The Jew told me so. Except the one about sticking a screwdriver in a socket. Please don’t try that.